Natural 20!
by Behold the Void
Summary: What happens when the Harry Potter Universe is suddenly governed by Dungeons and Dragons rules? Extensive D&D humorgeekage, will be continued if reviews request it.


Natural 20!

Author's Notes: Well well, a fresh start. I've deleted all of my (very) old stories, and am ready to start anew. I do not expect to write too much fanfiction, but whenever an idea strikes me, I can at least make the effort. This is initially intended to be a one-shot story, but if I receive enough favorable reviews, I'd be more than happy to continue. In any event, let us begin.

Two wizards faced each other down, their wands extended. One, a Death Eater, was dressed in black robes and had a malicious expression on his face, while the other, an Auror, was dressed in white robes and looked rather formidable. Both were fairly young, the Death Eater with slick black hair and a pale, bony face, while the Auror had blond hair and was decidedly chubby.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" the Death Eater howled, a beam of green light bursting from his wand and striking the Auror on the chest.

As the light cleared, the Death Eater cackled maniacally.

"I say, whatever is so funny?" the Auror asked in a puzzled voice.

The Death Eater whirled around, his jaw dropping open.

"But... but………. but you're supposed to be dead!" the Death Eater protested as the Auror got to his feet and dusted himself off.

"Didn't you get the memo? We're working on D&D 3.5 now."

"What?"

"Dungeons and Dragons 3.5 edition. That means a lot of the rules governing our world have been fleshed out to add a better balance to the elements involved."

The Death Eater stared blankly at the Auror. "Meaning………?"

"Well, Avada Kedavra has been ruled as a replication of the spell 'Power Word: Kill," the Auror said matter-of-factly.

"Then WHY AREN'T YOU DEAD?" the Death Eater demanded, veins bulging from his face.

"Oh it's quite simple, really. Power Word: Kill is a spell that can kill anybody without even allowing a saving throw, so long as they're under 100 hit points. Since I'm a 20th level wizard with a 16 constitution score, I have enough hit points to survive it."

"Wait, constitution, hit points? What are you talking about?" the Death Eater asked, utterly confused.

"It's like this," the Auror said, reaching into his robes and pulling out a hardcover book with the words "Player's Handbook 3.5" embossed upon the cover.

"Normally, a Wizard gains 1d4 hit points every time they level up. The DM ruling already said that all characters are afforded the maximum hit point totals at level up, since we're all wizards and thus have a piss-poor hit point total anyways. Because of my high constitution score, I get an extra 3 hit points ever level, and since I'm 20th level, I have 140 hit points, more than enough to keep me from being hit by your Power Word: Kill spell."

The Death Eater paused for a moment and reached into his robes, pulling out another copy of the Player's Handbook.

"But wait, if I can reduce you to below 100 hit points, I can kill you with Avada Kedavra right?"

"Right and wrong," the Auror replied. "Power Word: Kill is a 9th Level spell, and since you're a 16th level wizard with 20 intelligence, not enough to allow you to cast more than one 9th level spell a day."

"But I used to be able to cast it as much as I wanted!" the Death Eater whined.

"That's why they changed the rules. They thought it was unfair for the Death Eaters to be able to kill indiscriminately as many times a day as they wanted. I mean that Sirius Black fellow was a real corker, he shouldn't have been killed by that spell."

"So wait, wait. I can't cast Avada Kedavra, but how about my other unforgivable curses?" the Death Eater asked.

"I think those are OK, they aren't 9th level spells, as far as I know," the Auror replied.

"Well good, in that case, IMPERIO!"

"Uh, will save," the Auror said, looking at the Death Eater as one might regard a small, autistic child, or perhaps an unusually dull sheep.

"What?"

"Will save. That curse duplicates the 'Dominate Person' spell, which allows me a will save to resist."

"But the will save won't always work?" the Death Eater asked, growing aggravated.

"Well, in theory, no, but………" the Auror said as the Death Eater pointed his wand at him again.

"IMPERIO! IMPERIO! IMP……… OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY ISN'T IT WORKING?" the Death Eater howled, before sinking to his knees and pounding the ground, sobbing all the while.

"I tried to tell you, I'm a wizard. I have a really high will save, plus I'm a higher level than you. You can't control me so easily," the Auror replied.

"It's not fair it's not fair it's not fair!" the Death Eater whined. "I used to be able to bring death and destruction and mind control over all who opposed me! Why can't I now? It's not fair!"

"Well, technically, it is fair, as it gives us a chance," the Auror said dryly. "Say, you're almost prone aren't you?"

"What?" the Death Eater asked, sniffling.

The Auror walked over and kicked the Death Eater, knocking him flat.

"Ow! Hey, what was that for?" the Death Eater asked as his face was planted into the dirt.

"Well, I could say trying to kill me, but in this case I'm going to say 'because I felt like it'," the Auror said. "Now then, listen carefully. Because you're prone, you're more susceptible to attacks that require a certain amount of dodging.

"Like what?" the Death Eater asked, as he began to stand.

"Like this. FIREBALL!" the Auror howled, a massive ball of flame bursting from his hands and exploding on the Death Eater.

When the smoke emerged, the Death Eater was covered in wounds and soot.

"Ow! Hey, I thought you goody-goodies didn't use spells like that!" the Death Eater complained. "Speaking of which, shouldn't that have killed me?"

The Auror shrugged. "You're sixteenth level, so you've got some hit points about you. And as far as using spells like that, that fireball was meant to subdue you. It's not my fault if you're too weak to withstand a blazing ball of flame, I can't be held responsible."

"That's got to be the most bullshit answer I've ever heard," the Death Eater grumbled.

"Yeah, probably," the Auror replied with a shrug.

I think I'll leave it at that. If you want more, just review and tell me that you do. I'll probably write a bit more with our little Death Eater and Auror friends, before I explore the other aspects of what D&D rules would DO to the Harry Potter universe if I do continue this.


End file.
